Change Nation: Lou Paget (01/24/08)

Lou Paget is a world famous certified sex educator who teaches people everything and anything that they need to know about sex, how to have better sex and improve their sex lives. She has written many books, including Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming, The Big O: Orgasm, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know, and How to be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that Will Blow His Mind. Paget also starred in a WE television special, “Making Love Happen with Lou Paget.” She speaks frankly about the first 30 days of improving your sex life.

How should people start the first 30 days of improving their sex lives?

No one is going to make your relationship better except you. If you want to have a better sex life and better intimacy, the first thing is that it’s up to you. It could be considered a mindset, but I refer to it as intention—not because everyone uses that word, but that really is the thing. You have a focus, but the other thing underneath it is if you are doing this for something other than for yourself, that will show up down the road.

So what are some of the roadblocks in those first 30 days?

Some people want to have a push-the-envelope attitude about learning things. Don’t do anything that makes the inside core of you not feel good. I think you and I have had more than one conversation with girlfriends or with male friends where we hear them say, “I was doing it, but I wasn’t really enjoying it.” You are sharing your body, and as one gentleman told me, when you are making love or being intimate and sexual with someone, that is your body saying what words cannot. Make sure you’re giving and delivering the right message.

Also, don’t assume your reaction is going to be the same as someone else’s. As women we are given a number of different messages about sexuality that tell us we’re supposed to have the reaction that is portrayed in adult material or written about in magazines, which is not the real world. So, do you think that you have to have the response that someone else does? It’s not the case. The other thing is you have to know your body. For many, what works one week out of the month is not going to work the other three weeks.

How do you help someone who is ready and whose partner might be less responsive, excited or uncomfortable?

You have to plant the seeds. This is like anything else that you plant and then harvest. And again, if you want to do something with a partner that you are already with, the easiest way is to say “You know, there are certain things I would love to try with YOU.” Whatever you do, do not say it’s because you did that something with someone else. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me they’ve done that. That’s the biggest ‘yikes’ factor! [Your partner] has to know he has the ability to bring that out in you.

Can anyone improve her sex life?

Absolutely. Here’s the thing. Your body has the ability to create tremendous amounts of pleasure for you. What often happens is you just don’t know how to do it, or you have not been exposed to it yet.

Probably only 10-15% of women, if that, are orgasmic with the man on top position of sex. And the reason is completely understandable. That is the thrusting, not a close-in rocking, constant stimulation motion of the clitoral area. Unless you’ve gone out and tried different things, you may not know the areas that are phenomenally tasty for you. If you don’t know that oysters work for you because you’ve never tried them, how would you know? If you’ve never experimented with different types of oral sex, you wouldn’t know. Which by the way, is the number one way that most women are orgasmic. It’s constant contact, and you need to have a partner who knows what they’re doing.

There are so many books, videos and ideas out there. For people who want to improve technique, where do they start?

Men have a tougher time because “you’re just supposed to know.” Women, on the other hand, have more permission to not know about sexuality and to look for the information. My suggestion is collect a number of ideas, like a buffet of ideas. And try one [thing at a time]. Let’s say you’re not being kissed the way you’d really like—you can walk them through step-by-step how to kiss you the way you prefer.

You have to have the comfort level to go and find information. You can look for it online, but I’ll tell you a lot of the things that you’re going to read are not necessarily going to be the things that most people connect with. They connect with another person telling them something.

What are some of the typical fears people have about trying to improve their sex lives?

They don’t want to feel like they’re doing it wrong, or they are being stupid, or someone is going to judge them. They want to know that they are comfortable with it. And most people typically want to have one or two take-it-home moves that they know they have a lot of confidence in. So here’s the other thing—when you are looking for ideas, look for something that is going to build on the areas where you already feel you have some skill.

Are there things that all men love and women should do a lot more of, and all women love and men should do a lot more of?

Oh, where do we start? For the majority of men, one of the things that they do really enjoy is great oral sex. They are completely the center of attention, they can relax into sensation and they do not have to do anything. Many men would like to try fantasies, but they won’t do it because they are worried about being rejected by their partner because the partner is going to think it’s sophomoric or stupid, or disrespectful.

Women want to know that they are tremendously desirable. And that the man, it’s almost like the man can’t resist them, that you’ve got that something he can’t get enough of. For many women, the best sex is when they are emotionally connected with someone. It is being with someone who is willing to try and do things with them and love their body the way it is.

Should people use toys or other products during the first 30 days?

Start with something that is smaller and does not necessarily have a form of penetration. Some men don’t want to have something that is going to take the place of their penis. The other thing I say to women and men: nothing is going to replace the feel of a body. A man’s hand may be faster than intercourse with someone or oral sex with someone, but still there is a tremendously different sensation if a woman is doing something, or he is having sex with a woman. If vibration works for a woman, vibration works for a man as well. This again is about experimentation. One of the things that most people overlook are lubricants. And as people have said to me, “I had no idea there was so much fun in those little bottles!”

Do you think exercise, diet and nutrition have a big impact on people’s sexual activities?

Absolutely. I mean, when you think about it, however you feed that vehicle you call your body that takes you through life, that’s one of the bigger things that you can improve on almost immediately. The other area for people, if you really want to work on something for your body and for your sex life, start practicing yoga. It gives greater flexibility and ability to have stamina during sex.

SIGNATURE QUESTIONS

What is the belief you personally go to during times of change?

Change is something that is all around me. Even when things get tough, I know it’s just there for a period of time.

The best thing about change is…

…that you can create the end result.

What is the best change you have ever made?

Knowing that when I move that I will always land on my feet and I can create whatever I want.

For more information on Lou Paget, visit www.loupaget.com.