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Ian Kerner on Improving Your Sex Life
4/17/08
Ian Kerner, Ph.D., is a sex expert, certified counselor and author of the new book, Sex Detox: Recharge Desire, Revitalize Intimacy, Rejuvenate Your Love Life. He’s also the author of several other sex books, notably She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, and is known as the sex doctor to generations X and Y. Kerner has been featured on “The Today Show” and “Howard Stern,” writes a regular column for Cosmopolitan, and has been featured in Redbook, Maxim, and Men’s Health, among other publications. He shares his advice and wisdom on having better sex.
How did this entire journey into wanting to help people with their sex lives come about? Was it a personal mission?
Yes, it was very much a personal mission. I was in a relationship where intimacy was an issue, and we didn’t really know where to turn. We went to a number of different types of relationship therapists, and everybody was really pretty ill-equipped around the sex stuff, and I realized this is such an important area.
The typical cliché of a sex therapist, I think, is somebody in their 50s or 60s handling couples [of the same age]. I just felt as a young person, there was such a need for that guidance around intimacy. So, we went to see a sex therapist, finally. The relationship did not survive, but [the therapy] was incredibly life-transforming.
Your new book is called Sex Detox. How do you define a toxic sex life?
I think people do develop toxicity in their love lives. I think we get into relationships, particularly long-term relationships, where sex becomes routine, nonexistent, joyless or obligatory. In some cases, it’s the baggage that we’re bringing from previous relationships, or the baggage that we’re bringing from childhood, and in some cases, it’s really specific to the relationship. Hopefully, my program is a way to start addressing that and start cleansing your sex life and renewing it.
For those who think their sex life is already pretty good, how can Sex Detox take them to the next level?
I think that relationships are really journeys. In some ways, being in a relationship and having good sex is kind of like ordering good Chinese food. It’s like “Hey! It’s comfy, it’s cozy, it’s quick and it’s satisfying. There’s a fortune cookie, I know the fortune’s not going to come true, but I’ll still read it at the end.” I’m not trying to put down good, comfortable sex, but I think, for many of us, we start to take it for granted. We start to become a little tuned out and turned off. We start to become disconnected. I think this book is about catching those moments. My target is reaching the people where this stuff has been building for a little while and needs to get worked out.
For someone who is in dry spell, the basis of this new book of yours is a sex fast. How does that work?
It’s a 30-day program where I’m asking people to take sex off the table for a period of time, which really goes back to the [basic] principles of sex therapy. Masters and Johnson, who pioneered sex therapy suggested [that] sex therapy begins with [a realization].”Maybe you have to take a step backwards in order to take a couple of big steps forward.”
Over the course of those 30 days, I really ask [people] to look at sex as more than just sex, but more of a multidimensional aspect of your life where your sexuality and your sex life is affected by your previous relationships, your current relationship, your health, your self-esteem and the images that we ingest daily. I ask people to sort of turn [sex] off for a period of time and look at each of these facets. That’s what I’m really doing for the 30 days, so every day there’s a new reading, a new focus, a new piece of understanding your sex life and what it means to be sexual.
I have to be honest, in almost every case I’ve worked with, the people end up having sex before the 30 days [were over]. They ask: “Was that bad? Did I make a mistake? We had this naughty interaction and things got racy.” I always say, “it’s not about not having sex, it’s about saying no to a certain kind of sex.”
What kind of personal issues do you see affect someone’s sex life?
I think many people do tend to look at their sex lives in a vacuum, and the truth is that you’re not going to have a satisfying sex life if you’re not having the kind of life that supports having a satisfying sex life. I think stress outside the bedroom is a huge inhibitor of libido; in women, emotional stress and family stress really often come to the forefront and dampen desire. I think one of the things that women don’t always understand about men is that work-related stress, financial stress, and financial pressures have a huge impact on libido. So, if a guy is not sure what his Christmas bonus is going to be, or if he’s going to be getting that raise in this new year, or if he’s worried about the mortgage payments, he could really face a complete shut down of his sex life.
What are some of the fun ways to put sex back on the agenda?
It’s sort of become a cliché, but it is true, the mind really is the biggest sex organ—much more so than our genitals. The brain is really the pathway to arousal. So, the good thing is that it often takes very little to stimulate a much more exciting sex life.
Recently a woman approached me and she said, “I’d love to be able to talk about this with my guy. I’m afraid he’s going to judge me. I’m afraid he’s going to think I’m some sort of kinky pervert.” I said, “when you wake up one morning, just say to him, ‘hey, I had a sexy dream about you last night’ and just give him a little taste of it.” Make it about a sexy dream, make it about a sexy thought. It’s possible you’re in a relationship and the foreplay really sucks, or you don’t like the way your guy kisses anymore, or there’s a fantasy you want to share, but it’s difficult to do so. I think one of the mistakes is that we often jump to taking our problems seriously, then giving feedback. Or, we jump to giving instructions, when really talking about sex should be sexy, creative, fun and naughty.
Is there a place that’s better to talk about these things? Is it in the bedroom? Is it at the breakfast table? Is it in email?
You know, email is not bad. One thing I’ve actually learned is that when it comes to talking about sex, whether you want to give some sort of feedback or you even want to discuss something sexy, is that men are actually not very good at direct eye contact. Men are side by side communicators. Women are face-to-face communicators. I don’t think that the best time to have a sex talk is looking someone right in the eye over breakfast. I think it’s in an easygoing, comfortable, often side-by-side manner. Taking a walk, taking a drive, sitting on the couch, but not those moments when we have to look tenderly into each others’ eyes, or look at each other and have this serious conversation.
Your book addresses the concept of a “love map.” How does that work?
I personally believe that when it comes to our desires, our turn-ons and our turn-offs, that we all have a unique sexual fingerprint or template. I think part of the problem in contemporary culture is that we are bombarded with sexual imagery. We constantly see images that tell us what’s sexy, what’s not, what should make us feel sexy, what shouldn’t. I think one of the dangers is we become cut off from our unique turn-ons and turn-offs.
The idea of a love map is that you have a unique, individual sexual fingerprint that’s really a map to your turn-ons and turn-offs, and your desires and your fantasies. Not only do you need to get in touch with that love map, you need to accept your personal love maps and be able to navigate it together. In the book, I have a lot of exercises that help people to understand the terrain of their love maps. You’d be so surprised how many people are out of touch with what turns them on. Unless you give your imagination free reign, and unless you respect your love map and commit to exploring it and, in some way, sharing it with your partner, what you’re going to end up with is a very mechanical and very dead sex life.
What about people who aren’t in a relationship right now?
One of the things I talk about in Sex Detox, particularly this applies to dating, is the neurochemical rollercoaster that can ensue. When you’re dating, there’s a lot of unpredictability and anxiety. What happens is it lowers serotonin levels in the brain and raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels, and it actually creates a mania, or depression or even addiction, if you’re the kind of person who thinks “I’ve got to go on another date this week. Why am I not getting poked or flirted with or winked at on one of these [online dating] sites?” Part of my main value in creating a dating detox for single people is to help them address the sexual side of things, but also to give them a cooling-out period and breathing space. I think one of the things of the first 30 days that you should do is to cool out, get a bit of perspective, recalibrate and reset your aspirations in a realistic way.
SIGNATURE QUESTIONS
What is the belief that you personally go to in times of change?
I believe that there are times in life where I have to hit bottom to rise up from the ashes. I think being able to be optimistic about life, being able to be entrepreneurial about life, being able to believe that I could reinvent myself has been a fundamental guiding principle for me.
The best thing about change is…
…unpredictability. Not that I’m any kind of thrill seeker, but I’m not good with routine and monotony. So, to me, change is a constant opportunity for expansion.
What’s the best change you have ever made?
One of the biggest changes I ever made for myself was being able to look back on my childhood and all the issues that I thought had formed my personality and my struggles, namely having an alcoholic father who left when I was very young, who was very charismatic, who overshadowed all of my childhood and most of my adult years. The biggest change I was able to make was seeing that was not the real story, but [it] was, in fact, a different set of relationships that had guided me and formed me. I was able to revise my understanding and my version of my story of myself.
For more information on Ian Kerner, visit www.shecomesfirst.com
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DIVORCE AND MARITAL BREAKTHROUGH ...
Glorious be unto Prophet Ayelala love spell the man who made me see reasons that there are still real and genuine spell casters like him. Since 3 weeks now i have witness what is called heart broken. My boyfriend that promised me marriage failed me, impregnated me and left, he dumped me, he stop calling" he stop picking my calls, and he no longer respond to me. I have been looking for solution, I fall into the hands of fake spell casters, they ripped me off and took my money without help. I have cried, I have weep"and tears runs out of eyes. the silentness in my heart brought me to the deepest path of failure that I lost my job. Crying all day because my life was lonely. Thanks to Prophet Ayelala who came into my life and brought me the greatest joy that was lost. I saw his Email: Ayelala7demons@gmail.com while browsing and I contacted him, told him what am passing through with no doubt because of what i saw in him, I was given words of solution on what to do and after casting the spell, 12hrs later, here comes my boyfriend with a rose flower on his hand on my way out, i saw him in front of my door and said he is dying i should forgive him and accept him back he was crying, i can't wait to let him finish I quickly crab him and kiss him, just then" he said he is restless without me, just as Prophet Ayelala said it would be, today makes it a month and we are living happily I don't know how to praise him enough, he has done a great thing i can never forget in my life. I want you all to help me praise him because if it wasn't for him my life would have been a living hell.. You are to contact this great Prophet Ayelala using the Email: Ayelala7demons@gmail.com or whats-app +2348069132476 and live the life you deserve. thanks Troy Angela
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I’m so excited shareing my testimony..
After 12years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. I felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr.Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com , you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,you can also visit his website: Link .
Wendy Murray
My mouth is full of testimonies, my girlfriend left for two years to Canada for a tourist, where she meant one bad ass and she was bewitch by the guy so surprisingly my girlfriend refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr.ojoka and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 2 days my girlfriend came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive her, I'm so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my girlfriend. Dr.ojoka is a genuine Dr contact him on his Email:dr.ojokarootandherbal@gmail.com or whatsapp on his Mobile:+2348144172934
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How I Got My Ex Husband Back...........
I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address Makospelltemple@yahoo.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Mako. His email: Makospelltemple@yahoo.com OR.His WhatsApp Number:+2347054263874.
How I Got My Ex Husband Back...........
I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address Makospelltemple@yahoo.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Mako. His email: Makospelltemple@yahoo.com OR.His WhatsApp Number:+2347054263874.
How I Got My Ex Husband Back...........
I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address Makospelltemple@yahoo.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Mako. His email: Makospelltemple@yahoo.com OR.His WhatsApp Number:+2347054263874.
How I Got My Ex Husband Back...........
I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address Makospelltemple@yahoo.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Mako. His email: Makospelltemple@yahoo.com OR.His WhatsApp Number:+2347054263874.
I've been really depress and been in so much pains after my wife left me. Our son is just 8 without her mother. Life can be very displeasing especially when i try every way possible to get her back and all i got is been scammed by this fake Spiritual Spell Casters.... I'm new on this spell stuff but after talking and chatting with Dr. Trust then i realize he is the man i can completely trust. I know there are many of you out there who are in the same problem too and also looking for a real spell caster that can give wealth and bring back your love again.. Dr. Trust is real and in just 2 days of his spell my whole story got turn around and things started to be as before.
I followed his advice and Spell instructions, and fortunately, I'm a success story! Kathy is back now and im so glad our son got to see her mother again. Now we're better than ever. Dr. Trust spell really worked and he has been very helpful, and I can't believe it worked so well! I'm honestly, still in shock! :) If you feel like your relationship is salvageable, and you need help contact him .. It never too late ((Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com WEB SITE: Link OR CALL +2348156885231
I never knew people still have powers and make things happen this way. All Thanks Goes to DR OSAUYI for the joy he brought to my life i was married to my husband, and we were living fine and happy family. it come to an extend that my husband that use to love and care for me, those not have my time again, until i fined at that he was having an affair with another woman, i try to stop him,all my effort was in-vain sadly he divorce me and went for the woman. he live me with three of our kids, i cry all day, i was in pains, sorrow and looking for help. i was reading a news paper, i saw how DR OSAUYI help people with his love and reuniting spell. so i decided to contact him and explain my problem to him I still can't believe my very eyes, because it's highly unbelievable, it's just too good to be true. All I can say is thank you DR Osauyi for bringing back my husband to me and my child and for anyone who might need the help of this great spell caster please permit me to drop his mail here (Osauyilovespell@yahoo.com OR you can call the great man on +2347064294395,,.,.
I never knew people still have powers and make things happen this way. All Thanks Goes to DR OSAUYI for the joy he brought to my life i was married to my husband, and we were living fine and happy family. it come to an extend that my husband that use to love and care for me, those not have my time again, until i fined at that he was having an affair with another woman, i try to stop him,all my effort was in-vain sadly he divorce me and went for the woman. he live me with three of our kids, i cry all day, i was in pains, sorrow and looking for help. i was reading a news paper, i saw how DR OSAUYI help people with his love and reuniting spell. so i decided to contact him and explain my problem to him I still can't believe my very eyes, because it's highly unbelievable, it's just too good to be true. All I can say is thank you DR Osauyi for bringing back my husband to me and my child and for anyone who might need the help of this great spell caster please permit me to drop his mail here (Osauyilovespell@yahoo.com OR you can call the great man on +2347064294395
I want to thank God for using DR BOEHI as my source of savior after 6year of joblessness and my lover left me alone for 9 years, Have just been heart broken until i got in contact with DR BOEHI after i saw a lady testimony on how she was helped by this same DR BOEHI, So i decided to get in contact with him and when i told him all my problems he laughed and said this is not a problem that everything will be ok in 3 days time. Exactly the 3rd day my ex lover called me i was shocked and what surprise me the most was that a company i applied for over 5 month called me and said i should resume work as soon as possible. Am so grateful to DR BOEHI.. if you are having thesame problem or difficulty with your relationship you can as well contactwish in contacting him EBOEHISPELLCASTER@YAHOO.COM or is cell number +2348078291904. He also do cast the spell as stated below:
(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) you need a divorce in your relationship
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women & men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband & wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) Herbal care
(10)if you want to win a lottery
Contact him today on: eboehispellcaster@yahoo.com Or Reach him through this website: Link
I want to share my great experience to the whole world about how i got my lover back. I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank Lord Alika for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. two days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 6 months now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. Lord Alika released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I'm writing this testimony right now I'm the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that's why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to Lord Alika for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, she will definitely help you too. lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk or Link call him +2348072718865
How My Marriage Was Restored (eboehispellcaster@yahoo.com)
Hello, i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden another woman came into the picture, he started hailing me and he was abusive but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost… then he filed for divorce, my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do; he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. So a friend of mine told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster… i decided to try it reluctantly although i didn't believe in all those things… then when this great man Dr Eboehi did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading he had realized his mistakes.. i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy.. In-case anyone of you is passing through any relationship problem i would advise you to email this Great Man via: eboehispellcaster@yahoo.com or call (208) 627-4749 and live a better life. thanks Sylvia Martin from Texas
Hello
My name is veart(single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(veartwani@ymail.com)
Thanks
waiting to hear from you soon.
veart
I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box
veartwani@ymail.com
Hello dear friend,
To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, to love
someone who loves you is everything. Looking here for everything of my
life, I write some words. I am single and not engaged. I am in search of
true happiness and am hoping the future brings it. I am almost too honest
for my own good - and hate game playing.
nI am trying to handle some pretty encompassing issues in my life... but am
waiting to remain open-minded where the idea of romance exists. I am
looking for Honest, caring, patient, funny and loyal person. A man that
can be himself in the beginning and remain that same person all the way
through to the end of time !
nIf you are willing to love and be loved with your whole heart & willing to
make the people in your life a "solid' part of your soul... then maybe you
and I will connect. We might just have a lot to talk about through my
private e-mailbox(maryluveu@hotmailcom)
my contact info is.
Take care,
Ms mary maryluveu[at]ho/t/m/a/i/l/com