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So You Are Not a D.I.N.K Anymore…

Don’t know what a D.I.N.K. is? Double Income – No Kids…and most probably all that life used to encompass for you before the whole breeding thing came into your life.

It’s now you…single paycheck, the girlfriend, fiancée, wife, well wisher or acquaintance and the baby. Whether you are a soon-to-be parent or just became one, your DINKdom is over. No doubt you have fears, philosophical conundrums and serious denial about what just happened to your existence, as you once knew it as a non-reproductive amigo. Are you asking questions like, “What was I thinking when I left the blissful world of single hood or marriage sans babies to graduate into the big bad world of baby feedings and diaper disposal systems? Most importantly…your sex life…you are worried it is a thing of the past.

This is a perfectly normal pondering for young fathers. Consider it an advanced course in ¼ life crisis sexual management.

Remember you are not alone. Many new fathers and soon-to-be’rs are not only trying to figure out the dad side of things, but also their altered bedroom lives. They wander around for most of their twenties and thirties, in a sort of daze desperate to find out what has taken place since sperm met egg, the bun in the oven and/or the kid arrival. Don’t fret. When in doubt about your decision to become a parent remember why you got into the whole mess to begin with: to share your love with the world, get your mom off your back about wanting grand kids, the misguided belief a kid would shore up the romantic relationship, she got knocked up, broken prophylactic, hole in the diaphragm…that whole perpetuation of the species thing.

Here is a quick convincing “just dealing with it” list which should help you put your sexual needs, misgivings, new daddy depression into perspective.

1.Babies are clear proof that you got what it takes in the bedroom.
2.Hanging around playgrounds won’t seem creepy anymore.
3.A baby equals instant excuse for not calling back, meeting tardiness, sick days, etc. On the other hand it gives the significant other an excuse to turn your bed into a desert, your rubba rubba days a mirage and no oasis in sight.
4.Rug burn is now brought about by chasing the kid on the floor.
5.Birthday sex is a thing of the past. It is a tie and underwear for you.
6.Kids count as tax deductions.
7.Think of babies as members of your own fan club. You can always nookie to make more.
8.You have the opportunity to put those ancient hunting and gathering instincts to the test.
9.You were in the ER when she gave birth. You saw what your best gal pal looked like in labor. You gazes in wonder at her…well…some things are just not supposed to stretch that far. Just remember that mental image and all horn-dog feelings will quickly dissipate.
10. Two words: Maternity Leave…the wife will be home taking care of the babino. Though when you get home, and she is tired beyond belief…you might get the silent hamburger helper night.
11.Father’s Day now makes sense.
12.No need to pressure the lady in your life to video bedroom antics. Now you can videotape the kid doing something everyday that he or she will be ashamed of later in life – Big laughs for you at their wedding rehearsal dinner.
13.You’ve doubled the prying eyes and those kids are curious as to why daddy spends so much time in the bathroom. Lock the door for your special time and make sure your especial web links are well hidden.
14.Breast feeding. The kid is getting more taa taa than you.
15.The explanation for all mistakes that you are just a brand new parent.
16.Those days of yore…those college days of sexual prime are gone. But, you still have the therapeutic memories of leaving your college roomie out in the cold, sexiled while you got it on with the whorish girl from Delta Delta Delta in your dorm room romantic getaway.
17.Babies have more chubby fat on them than you. By comparison your beer gut looks small.
18.You no longer need to culinary impress with a slim chance to get some. Your Iron Chef cooking and knowledge of fine wine is not needed. Become a connoisseur of baby food.
19.Time to give up the three youthful, pre-fatherhood P’s. Porn, Playmates and Poo-nanny. Acquaint yourself with these new classics: Winnie the Pooh, Poop and Pacifiers.
20.Get out of jury duty with pediatrician appointments.
21.Leave the office early for the above same reason.
22.Bolt out of meetings for yet again the same above reason. Come on…a lunch time quickie just is not going to happen.
23.Liquoring her up was probably what got you in this baby circumstance to begin with. Be careful with the margarita machine this time.
24.Midnight feedings entitle you to afternoon naps...though alone.
25.You finally get to really take ownership of the wholesomeness of your dysfunctional life. And then share it with someone. Welcome to the club…it is not so bad!