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Am I just fooling myself?
Let me just start by saying this is a very long detail per I wanted to try and give as much history as possible in order to get the best advice. Thanks
First a little history: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. Prior to our relationship, we'd both been in relationships that were very exhausting and left us feeling miserable and depleted most of the time. Him for 16 years to a highschool sweetheart (compatibility issues)and I to my ex-husband for approx. 4 yrs- which was an abusive relationship. We both have children outside of the relationship, me with (3) ages 4, 5 &10 and him with (2) ages 14 & 16. We are both in our early 30's.
We've been extremely compatible from the very beginning, priding ourselves on how well we can communicate and be honest with each other, as well as joke and play and not take things too serious, however, he has been very slow motion from the start. I always attributed his slow pacing to him being in his prior relationship for so long. I knew that he loved me based on how he treated me as well as what he's told me and therefore, I was willing to be patient with him, even though I felt like he should have proposed soon after our first year together and definitely by the second year.
Throughout the relationship there has been many times when I've grown desperately frustrated with him because I felt like we weren't growing or moving forward as we should be. From the very start I was clear that I wanted a relationship that could potentially grow into something much deeper...i.e. Marriage, a partnership. I would ask him how he felt about me, how he views me as a person, what his expectations are of this relationship and what were his intentions with us being together. He would always confirm that he wanted a serious relationship as well, and that he loved me and thought I'd make a great wife, although he wasn't rushing to the alter, but would for me. He admitted that financial strain was the reason why he had not yet proposed, which is totally understandable. We both have goals we need to obtain before we take that leap, but he also admitted that he had some issues with taking on my children full-time and this was the reason why he had not yet asked for me to move in with him or vice versa or find a place together, which would most likely eliminate some of the financial strain we both have. Combining our incomes would benefits us both, we live in NY and its extremely expensive here. The news of him doubting his ability to accept my children was a heartbreaking blow to me because he has children too, however they are much older than mine, and they don't live with him - only visit on the weekends. He was worried about starting over with the whole kid thing.
Well anyway, approximately 1 month after our 2 year anniversary, I recieved a disturbing call from one of my best friends. She called to inform me that my boyfriend had propositioned her!! Yes, he'd called her acting as if he wanted to plan a party of some sort for me, or wanted to do something nice for me, she brushed him off the line and he called her back and sexually propositioned her.
When I confronted him about this incident he did not deny it, he stated that he was way out of his mind and that he would never willingly do anything to hurt me...of course he did the normally begging and pleading...but basically the story was he was sorry and completely inebriated at the time and that was the only reason why it happened. He did confess that he's had impure thoughts of her before, but she wasn't the only one (meaning, baby don't think I just want your friend...I'm just a horny dude and I think of many women that way) which i'm actually fine with. Its when someone acts on those thoughts that I have a problem with it. Especially in his case because I'd already told him on another occasion, my birthday to be exact - months prior- that I did not want him calling my friends for any reason. Honestly I could see where his thought process may have come from...I've thought that I may find one of his friends very actractive and want to do one of them, but I would never act on it...that's the difference.
Anyway, this action on his part was totally unexpected and so out of character for him, or so I thought. I never saw it coming. He's not a party dude, he doesn't hang in the street or go out often. He's never exhibited signs of a cheater.
He's never been abusive to me or tried to harm me, demean me. He's always been so responsible and good natured...always there for me, but just taking his time in making me official. I just couldn't believe this happened.
Well at first I just knew it was over, but of course I couldn't just turn off my feeling just like that. So I tried to forgive him and move on, but I haven't forgotten and most likely won't. I feel deeply affected and growingly insecure. Lately I've been very snappy and unsure of my feelings for him. I did admit that I don't feel in love with him right now, but I know that I do love him....I think....
Right now, I feel a mix of confusion because I was already feeling impatient with him about our progress and now with this I'm like is this a sign that we are going no where fast?? Oh and did I mention that now he's all gun-ho about our relationship and of course we are going to get married and have a happy life......with the kids, no problem.....
So here I am writing all my personal business on the internet hoping someone will get the jist of what I'm trying to express and give me some tangible unbaised advice. Tell me...Am I fooling myself, settling or could this guy possibly be the one? People make mistakes. My friends think I'm just scared to let go...I feel that somewhat too becuase I don't feel there are many good selections left out there, especially to a divorced mother of three in her 30's, and people who have been together for like 30 years had to go thru something, right...not to mention we aren't married yet. But what do you think???????
Brenda,
Thank you for answering my post. Your are truly the best, I am thoroughly impressed and encouraged by your response. Again i'm also happy to report that I did decide to break up with my now ex-boyfriend, oh yea..oh yea, so its over and I'm moving on. Thank you all for helping me make a change for the better...I'm realizing my true worth once again.
Oh and Brenda said I was articulate...did you guys hear that...she's freakin awesome, an internationally published author and she called me articulate....OMG, OMG!!!! (I would love to write, that's why I'm so flattered, he-he... maybe I stand a chance)
Dear Lost In Love,
Your post touched my heart as I know it did many other readers. It is clear you are an articulate, thoughtful, caring woman who truly loves your partner and your children and wants the very best for everyone involved. There are many pieces to this puzzle and I will do my best to address and make sense of as many as I can in an attempt not to sway you one way or another but to help you in finguring out how you feel, what you want and what you are hoping to gain from your decision, whatever it may be.
There are not too many men and women who hit the age of 30 without having had experienced a sour relationship or two and while it may take some people longer to move on than others, the fact is, your boyfriend got into a relationship with a woman who was very clear from the beginning that she was looking for more than going steady.
Now, this is not to say that your partner should be on bended knee by the 24th month but he should be seriously thinking about what he wants from this relationship and how compatible it is with the goals and desires you have shared. Your kids did not just appear and he's had plenty of time to feel the situation out. Finances do play a role in many men's decision regarding settling down but, as you said, living together would alleviate some of the financial strain and if being married is what is important and neither of you were looking to spend a fortune on a a big wedding, there is not much of an issue here. There are plenty of couples who go to City Hall and out to dinner to celebrate their happy day. The bottom line is that this man is happy with the status quo and wants all of the perks of having a girlfriend without any of the responsibility that comes with a wife.
Or does he even want that? Well, he's made that pretty clear. Let's move onto the slimy, deceitful, thoughtless move he made on your girlfriend.
The man you love and trust made a choice to call your friend, someone who loves and respects you, someone who is close to you and asked her to participate with him in burning your trust and breaking your heart. Being drunk doesn't make this OK nor does being a "Horny Dude" (!)
Of course you are feeling frustrated, hurt, insecure, angry and a slew of other emotions. You were just betrayed by the person you love and care for the most. He showed you a side of himself that you never knew existed and his defense was that he was drunk and that it wasn't really about her because he has impure thoughts about a lot of women. Honey, this is baloney. I am not going to assume this was the first time he's strayed or the tenth but I will say that if he wants to rebuild trust and move forward, he's going to need to do a lot better than that.
If you want to work on this relationship, you have that right. Only you know what is in your heart and what you feel in your gut. There are many couples who work through infidelity and build stronger and better relationships and there is no shame in that. There is also no shame in walking away but this man should be ashamed of himself and take 100% accountability for his selfish and thoughtless actions and be there for you as you work through a mass of painful emotions. He owes it to you to be honest not only about any past infidelities but also about where he is emotionally. In addition, he should be willing to do what you need in order to rebuild the trust that has been broken.
If counseling is a viable option, I think it would work to help you both identify and communicate feelings and fears in a safe place with an objective third party professional to help you both move into a healthier direction.
Lost in Love, the most important thing is that you think about the life you want and the relationship you want and take a good look at the reality of this situation with your eyes and not your heart. You need to decide if you are willing to do the hard work of working through infidelity and he needs to decide if he really wants to build a family with you and is willing to do what it takes to earn your trust or if he's just having a knee-jerk reaction to the thought of losing you.
Oh, and give your best friend a big hug. What a woman to have the respect-and courage-to come to you immediately.
Good Luck!
Brenda Della Casa
It's never too late to find love, and just because you take some time off to take care of yourself doesn't mean you won't be able to jump back into the game. This goes for your mom, too!
Hi, lostinlove
As someone who stayed in a marriage way too long after infidelity I can tell you that some guys just have a need or desire for conquest ... it's hard to understand, because they will tell you they love you, tell everyone else how much they love you, how great you are etc., but then they will hit on the next sweet thing that comes their way.
I forgave my ex the first few times ... there was fighting and crying and everything else that goes along with those scenes. I moved out once, moved back in.
Ultimately, after yet another infidelity and 11 years of marriage I decided I had enough.
Funny thing is I've spoken to him over the years since we've divorced and he has told me that he's cheated on his new wife, so ... it wasn't me or anything I was or wasn't doing (like I had worried about), but his ego and his need to satisfy his desires ... regardless of honor or whether or not it was the right thing to do.
As much as it sounds like you have (or had) a good thing with this person, I can tell you that you need to move on.
We all deserve to be loved and adored and respected and protected ... no one should have to worry or guess about what's going on. And certainly, calling your friends and hitting on them ... that is what I could call not only totally unacceptable, but a deal breaker.
Know that you will find the love you deserve out there, when you put your focus and intention on what you really, really want and need and start tuning into the signs.
There is someone out there for you. And you will find him if you're really motivated to look and can step outside your comfort zone to find him.
Algeria, you are absolutely correct. Hitting the nail dead on the head. I HAVE been dealing with issue of embracing my aloneness or singledom. My mother decided many years ago (approx. age 45) to stop dating for awhile and give it a break, that break turned into a lifetime, which she has now been single for over 15 years and it doesn't look like she will getting back on the scene any time soon....too old now.....I don't want to be like her!!! She wanted a companion, but just gave up and got stuck in her ways...I'm scared to death of growing old alone...I don't want that, but I do know I need to stop what I'm doing and over come this fear. Thank you for your help....I'm going to start practicing being alone and enjoying it.
From your tone and some of your comments it sounds like there might be a part of you that wants to be married or in a relationship again just for the sake of not being single.
I could be wrong, but I've been there, so I know how it can feel.
It's important to remember that being single and independent isn't impossible and can in fact be a rewarding experience.
Also, his excuse that he was drunk is no excuse at all, but a sign of other underlying problems.
If you feel like his indiscretions were a sign to move on, they probably were. Our gut instincts are usually pretty spot on.
Thank you Kristen,
Like you said....I do really know what it is that I have to do, but I have been fooling myself...that's why I got on here...for outside help and support because I have been weak and uncourageous....I want to break out of that cycle. I do want better for myself and my children. My girlfriends tell me all the time how beautiful and smart I am, reminding me of the strides I've made and constantly I continue to settle for men not worth my time. I guess its hard for me to see my worth because of my past poor decisions. It seems like I can map out and plan for every other area in my life, but when it comes to being responsible in love, I can never make the hard decisions....and that's why I'm still in this relationship yet questioning and second guessing myself. I know I need to stop and I 'm going to. Thank you again for your help.
