hey there all,

i have experienced bits and pieces of what i am hearing you all say and i appreciate the advice. i am a 40 something female, 2 kids, recently divorced then fell in love for the first time in my life. i fell in love with a woman. i fell in love with the person, not the gender. we connected on so many levels. we were what i would expect soul mates to be, someone who just "gets you" from many different angles and from the inside out.

we were each other's first, as far as i know, and learned and explored one another fully. we had a magical chemistry and wild passion for each other. never before had i had that flutter in my stomach when someone came around or a tingle down there in anticipation of their presence. we were absolutely inseparable for an entire year. talking, laughing, reading, lunching, traveling etc. if we weren't together we were texting or IM'ing. she had indeed become my partner and we had planned to be together for a long time.

to cut to the chase, she got a career opportunity on the other side of the country. within what seemed like minutes but was probably a month or so she decided to take the opportunity and move on with out me. in disbelief i resisted and tried to make some sort of long distance arrangement work out for us but she coldly cast me aside and cut off all communication between us.

she has given me a couple of different email answers to why she did what she did but none of them make much sense. i feel like i know her too well to believe what she is saying. i guess though i thought i knew her, i didn't think she was capable of being so cold and dismissive with me.

it has been about a month and i am trying to move on but really i am still hurting badly. i have never had my heart broken and am experiencing every part of it and then some it seems this late in life. i journal daily to get all of my feelings out and go back and forth between loving her and hating her for what she did to "us," to me. mostly, i still love her and want her back but know i could not take back a person who did what she did to me. obviously, i left some of those details out.

i too feel like somewhere deep in my soul that we were supposed to be together and somehow we will come back to each other. it doesn't feel like it is over. it was so abrupt.

when is the pain going to go away? when am i going to have a decent night of sleep? when am i going to stop thinking about her? am i gay now? what could have been? when will what everyone is suggesting stick with me? when will that final bit of hope go away?