I have always had a history of falling in love very easily and mainly, with men that would suddenly vanish from my life. (Which I believe is due to my father's absence and coldness and lack of love when we were growing up).
I have had small relationships and 1 long 3-year relationship that went well. It ended 5 years ago and I have been alone ever since.
This summer, while in a depression, I met a wonderful, spiritual, conscious man and we developed this immediate connection. We became partners and experienced for one month the most beautiful, honest, trusting, mutually caring and spiritual partnership I have ever experienced and through this, I was finally able to develop a loving relationship with myself (which I had been trying through all the types of therapy you can imagine, never succeeding).
All was well and it seemed like the beginning of a wonderful and lasting spiritual partnership, we made each other grow and learn so much! There was so much light and love between us and the declaration of our mutual love and wish to remain together, though we lived in different countries.
And then suddenly, when he started his final year of college, everything changed. It was like from day to night he was suddenly distant, absent, cold, we didn't talk, he wouldn't respond to anything I would send him, which he always did before, with such joy.
When I finally called him, worried about such change, he said his life was in chaos from the moment he went back to college, he will have an examination in March where 90% of the people don't pass and he wasn't being able to study, to help his family who was falling apart, to balance himself or feel any energy or even to help a depressed friend who needed him so much. He felt like he had no time for anything, not even energy for himself. But told me we were ok and that his reaction had nothing to do with me.
It's been 2 months and a half since we had our month of pure love. When I arrived to see him in Germany for the first time, he had many preconceptions and strict ideas about what love might be, felt weird about relationships or even kissing (his last relationship had ended up terribly, 5 yeas ago, causing him a huge depression). But as the days went by, he got out of his head and into his heart and became the most honestly loving person in the world. He forgot all the labels and just let himself feel. And it was beautiful. We declared our love for each other and decided to remain together and booked a new trip, we would meet in 2 months. After I came back home, for 2 or 3 weeks it was all love, and sharing and text, phone, email and love, light and trust.
Then suddenly, he got back to college and we barely spoke. Not because I didn't want to, but because he was very unresponsive and felt different. The calls and emails and texts that he used to send me and read with such joy, suddenly stopped and he felt like it took too much energy from him. He needed to focus on all of the demanding stuff that was going on his life since he went back to studying and his family falling apart.
I feel like there is such chaos going on in his life, he is now living only in his head and has let all the mental blocks and preconceptions come up again. I tried to talk to him about it, to understand if his feelings for me were still the same as in summer, but he says there is so much going on in his life, demanding from him in this moment, he can't even think about it. In the end, he couldn't even tell me if I still mean the same to him anymore or not.
I visited him again in the end of October and witnessed that he was in a really chaotic state. But we felt like strangers in the same house. Barely looking at each other or touching... I tried talking to him about it again, I needed to know if I was still in his heart... but he felt too overwhelmed and couldn't process what I needed to know, couldn't even tell me what we were to each other anymore. By the end of my trip (11 days) he became more loving and caring again, but we didn't kiss or acted like a couple, not like in Summer.
When I said goodbye to him I said I didn't care what his definition of love was, I still loved him. He wrote me a couple of days later to tell me he loved me. But he has this very particular way of seeing the world, where he believes we should love everyone equally. He said he is not close to loving everyone, but for those he loves, there is only one kind of love and that he loves me.
My enormous confusion here is... why did things change so drastically, if I didn't change anything in my behavior or way of communicating with him? Is it really just because he is in this chaotic mind-trapped place, not allowing his heart to feel? When he is in his mind, he has very strict rules and definitions. When he is in his heart, he doesn't think and he is pure light and honest love. That's why I visited him a second time. So that he could get out of his mind and remember. And by the end he did feel more loving...
My question here is... is there anything I can do in this situation or should I just let him go? Should I wait for this chaos that is going on in his life to subside, so he can become himself again (people say they don't recognize him right now) and feel our love again? Or should I move on with my life, if right now he is so unavailable and uncommunicative?
I really believed I had found my spiritual partner. Nobody ever made such sense in my life. Nobody made me grow and learn and develop my self-love and spirituality like him. I feel he is worth the waiting and I love him and I know with no doubts that the love he expressed for me during the summer was real and honest. He said he was even thankful for his horrible depression 5 years ago because the events after that had led him to me and he was so thankful to life for that.
How can I know if I should stay from afar, to give him his space to heal (he is very reluctant to outside help, believes each person should be the source of their own happiness) or if I should simply let go?
Please, help me understand. This is hurting every day, I cry so much and I am deeply depressed and hopeless.
Love and gratitude,
Paula