Dear Hurting Cupid...

My heart goes out to you in such a big way right now.  I had a similar experience that started in Feb 2008.  Its the most devastating feeling i've ever felt.  I can empathize with you.  No one ever told us that it would feel like your'e hemorraging on the inside, and no one told us that you will actually feel the heart inside of you breaking, and it hurts like heck when it is breaking.   I remember lying on the bathroom floor curled up in a fetal position sobbing my soul out.  I thought at a few points in time that i was going to die because it was so excruciating.  I thought i was going crazy in my head- all the thoughts and all the pain.  I wondered if i was going to have to commit myself to the psych ward.  Well, you get the idea i'm sure because your'e there right now.  I want you to know that you are not alone in all this.  You really will make it through this- we don't actually die from a broken heart we just want to.   There are 5 stages of grief that you are going to go through, and the end of this kind of pain comes closer as you go through those steps.  And the key word here is "through"....you cannot skip a step or go around the process- you have to grieve and feel each step to its end before you can move onto the next.  Pretty soon (although it will seem like a long time because time is distorted now)  you will start to have a good hour, then a good half day, then a good day, and then more.  You will get there.  Be kind to yourself now.  Don't do anything for others now- you don't have it to give- you need to feed yourself first.  You need to find out who you are again.  We all too often lose ourselves in a relationship.  Who are you?  What do you like?  What is fun for you?  You will find these answers in time.  I have been learning recently what i find to be fun.  Its kinda cool.  Okay, so what things did i do that helped me?  I called my girlfriends and reconnected even though i had put them to the wayside in the relationship.  They all stepped up to the plate and supported me and listened to me for countless hours, they didnt judge or give advice unless asked, and were supportive.   I bought a journal and wrote every thought that came into my head- i purged my pain onto those pages.  Every time my head started spinning and also every night before bed i wrote in it.  I wrote in it and i screamed in it and i cried in it and i prayed in it.  I have to say a whole lot of crazy went onto those pages.  And you know what?  I never read what i wrote-it was purely to purge that stuff out of me, i didnt want to take it back by reading it, i was a little scared to read what i wrote.  I was able to leave that stuff in those pages for the time being.  When i filled up that journal i bought another one and decided to burn the first.  By that time i had started to heal and didnt want the negativity around me, so i threw it page by page into the fire and released those feelings with it.  That was very therapeutic.  I'm still writing in my journal every night.  I read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and that has changed my life.  Then i went on a pursuit of knowledge about the lessons i had to learn through this experience.  Thats i how i found this website and the "First 30 Days" book.  Iv'e read many other books too.  There are lessons that you are meant to learn here.  You need to discover what they are for yourself.  My lessons are: patience, self restraint, unconditional love, discernment, detachment, and learning not to control people.  Nothing is ever wasted, no experience is ever wasted, this is your time for you.  This time in recovery from a broken heart will show you things about yourself that you never knew, if you are open and honest with yourself.  You could just stay where you are and never gain anything from this tragedy.  And history might repeat itself until you are open to learning what it is you need to.  That's why people tend to go back into relationships with the same guy, just different name..different town.  History repeats itself until you learn what you need to.  It will be a good thing i promise.  :0)     So a short answer to your question regarding how long until the pain starts going away:  Its all up to you.  It really is.  Lean on trusted girlfriends, write every day- every thought, and look for the things you need to learn that will make your life more complete and (yes) happy once again.  Be kind to yourself first.  Dont say mean things to yourself.  Have a massage.  Take a sea salt bath- its purifying.  Try to eat as healthy as you can.  Walk a mile a day in the sunshine/ exercise- those endorphins are feel good chemicals.  You are going to be okay.  You really will.  Big hugs to you!  -Jenny