Dear FauxGal,

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this situation with your new husband and want you to know that you are not alone and it is very likely that it really is not you. I have spoken with dozens of women who have been "shut out" of the bedroom by hubands and boyfriends dealing with all kinds of emotional, physical and medical issues that leave them (the men) feeling confused, frustrated and not interested in sex.

First, I want to ask you if your husband has always been like this with you? When exactly did this behavior start? Did he start off very sexual and slow down over time? What were his relationships like before you? Was he a serial dater with a lot of casual flings or in serious, relationships? What are his views of women? Does he have a hard time mixing sex and love? Take a look at The Madonna/Whore complex and see if this is something that sounds familiar.

Does your husband look at pornography? Surely, not all men who look at porn have sexual dysfunctions or an inability to make love to their wives but we live in a culture that makes porn accessable 24-7 and more and more men are finding themselves viewing it more often and finding themselves less able to experience sexual pleasure with real, live women.

Is your husband dealing with stress? Is his job at risk? Was he recently laid-off? Is he on any new medications?

As understanding as you can be, there is only so much you can do and your husband needs not to expect you to jut sit there with your needs unmet. I am not in any way suggesting you move outside of the relationship but instead reminding you that you both have needs, desires, wants and expectations and you need to work together to make sure you both feel loved, wanted and satisfied. If this is a concern of yours and he is blowing it off or expecting you to sit there, unhappy and feeling rejected, while he does nothing to address the issue, you have to decide if that is OK for you. If not, I would suggest counseling or asking him to see a doctor to discuss the issue.

How serious he takes the lack of libido is less important to how seriously he takes something that brings his wife a significant amount of pain and confusion.

Good Luck to You,

Brenda Della Casa
Author, Cinderella Was a Liar
Link
Link

Does your husband take medication? sometimes medication will cause this..I would have a serious discussion with my husband about this..First you need to find out if he is happy,then if it is a medical problem,if so he needs to speak with his doctor about other types of meds that does not cause him to have a low sex drive...I do know that low sex drive can be helped by medication,and if you talk with your husband & let him know that you are not happy,he will need to want to make some changes....No sex life is not good for a marriage...

I would just ask him to write down his feelings about it. Then let you read them and write down your own. It's a good way for each of you to say exactly what you want to say and it's less hostile than a conversation.
Good luck!

Possibly even an health issue.

Was it like this before you married? Has anything changed (job loss, death in the family, stress) that could make him turned off?

We always think that men are totally ready for sex at all times, but there is a mind-body connection for them too. Perhaps there's something scaring him.

This is a hard question to ask, but...is there any possibility at all that he might be gay or questioning his sexuality? I hope that doesn't offend you. It's just something to think about.

Keep encouraging your husband to talk to you and work this out...and don't blame yourself! Please let us know how you are doing.